You wake up with dread in your chest.
Another day. Another eight hours of walking on eggshells. Another performance where you pretend everything is fine while someone slowly dismantles your confidence, your reputation, or your sanity.
You replay the conversations. You question yourself. You wonder if you’re overreacting, being too sensitive, imagining things.
Here’s the truth nobody wants to say out loud: You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not imagining it.
Everyone — and I mean everyone — has dealt with a difficult coworker at some point in their career. The difference is that most people were never taught what to do about it. American workplace culture trains us to be passive, avoid conflict, and “be a team player” — even when someone is actively undermining us.
We’re taught to suffer in silence. To not make waves. To hope it gets better.
It rarely does.
Here’s what I’m going to teach you in this article: how to identify toxic colleagues, how to confront them professionally, how to protect yourself, and most importantly — how to know when it’s time to walk away. Because sometimes, the most powerful move isn’t confrontation. It’s choosing yourself.
Why Toxic Colleagues Exist (The Root Cause Nobody Teaches You)
Let’s get one thing straight: their behavior is not about you.
Toxic colleagues exist because of their own unresolved issues — insecurity, control needs, trauma, lack of emotional regulation, or fear of being exposed. People who struggle to maintain healthy long-term relationships often replicate that chaos in the workplace.
The bully who humiliates you in meetings? They’re terrified of being seen as incompetent.
The micromanager who suffocates you? They need control to feel safe.
The narcissist who charms leadership while destroying you behind the scenes? They cannot tolerate being wrong.
Understanding this doesn’t excuse their behavior — but it does give you clarity. Their toxicity is a mirror of them, not a reflection of your worth. When you internalize this truth, you stop carrying their shame.
The 8 Types of Toxic Colleagues You WILL Encounter
Let me introduce you to the cast of characters you’ll meet throughout your career. Some of these toxic colleagues overlap. Some are a hybrid. But once you can name them, you can strategize against them.
1. The Bully
Loud, aggressive, belittling. They thrive on power and fear. They humiliate people publicly because it makes them feel big.
2. The Micromanager / Control Freak
They need structure, control, and dominance to stay emotionally regulated. Your autonomy threatens their sense of safety, so they suffocate you.
3. The Narcissist
Charming to leadership, cruel to peers or subordinates. They cannot be wrong. They manipulate perceptions and gaslight anyone who challenges them.
4. The Two-Faced Colleague
Sweet in front of others, venomous behind closed doors. You never know which version you’re going to get, and that unpredictability keeps you off balance.
5. The Gossip / Backstabber
They destroy reputations in the shadows. They selectively leak “half-truths” to make you look bad while maintaining plausible deniability.
6. The Passive-Aggressive Coworker
They smile to your face. They undermine you silently. They’re chronic avoiders of accountability and masters of subtle sabotage.
7. The Mean Girl / Mean Boy Energy
Clique behavior. Exclusion. Ego battles. They create an “in group” and an “out group,” and if you’re out, you’re a target.
8. The Manipulator
They use charm, victimhood, and intelligence to distort reality. They make you question your own memory and judgment.
Key insight: Some toxic colleagues fit multiple archetypes. The narcissist might also be a manipulator. The bully might also be a micromanager. What matters is recognizing the pattern so you can protect yourself.
Step 1: Letting It Out — The Vent Phase
Before you can strategize, you need to release.
You’re not dramatic. You’re not overreacting. Toxicity creates emotional backlog. It lives in your body. It keeps you up at night. It replays in your mind on a loop.
You can’t think clearly while you’re drowning.
So the first step is simple: let it out. Vent to a trusted friend, a therapist, a coach, a journal — whoever or whatever helps you process without judgment.
This isn’t about staying stuck in victimhood. It’s about clearing the emotional debris so you can see the situation clearly. Clarity comes after release, not before.
Give yourself permission to feel the anger, the frustration, the exhaustion. Then, when you’re ready, move to the next step.
Step 2: Unpacking the False Beliefs Toxic Colleagues Create
Here’s what toxic colleagues rely on: your silence.
They count on you doubting yourself. They count on you thinking:
- “Maybe I am the problem.”
- “I shouldn’t make a fuss.”
- “They must be right.”
- “If I confront them, I’ll get labeled as difficult.”
Let me be crystal clear: these are lies.
Toxic colleagues thrive when you stay small, quiet, and compliant. They gaslight you into believing that standing up for yourself is inappropriate or unprofessional.
The truth? You were never taught how to confront someone professionally. Avoidance is learned behavior. Boundary-setting is a skill — and most people were never given the tools.
So let’s unpack the false belief system:
✅ You’re not the problem. Their behavior is the problem.
✅ Confrontation is not unprofessional. Boundaries are healthy.
✅ Standing up for yourself is not being difficult. It’s self-respect.
Once you dismantle these false beliefs, you reclaim your power.
Step 3: Identifying Which Archetype You’re Dealing With
Not all toxic colleagues require the same strategy.
Bullies need calm, direct confrontation with documentation.
Narcissists need boundaries, neutral tone, and witnesses.
Manipulators need evidence and clarity.
Gossipers require political strategy and reputation management.
Two-faced colleagues need scripted confrontation and pattern documentation.
The archetype you’re dealing with will determine your next move. Don’t use a one-size-fits-all approach. Tailor your strategy to the behavior.
Step 4: Observation & Documentation — Your Secret Weapon
Here’s the most important thing I learned in 15 years of HR:
HR believes patterns, not stories.
If you go to HR and say, “This person is mean to me,” you’ll get nowhere. But if you go to HR and say, “On October 3rd at 2:15 PM in the conference room, in front of Sarah and Mike, this person said [exact words], which resulted in [specific impact],” you have power.
Documentation = protection + clarity.
Here’s what to document:
- Date and time
- Behavior (what was said or done)
- Who was present
- The impact (how it affected you or the work)
Do this consistently. Build a pattern. Patterns reveal truth.
Pro tip: Use AI note-takers in meetings. People act differently when they know they’re being recorded. It changes behavior and creates an objective record.
Documentation isn’t about being petty. It’s about protecting yourself and creating accountability.
Step 5: Boundary Setting — Your First Line of Defense
Most people avoid boundaries because they think it’ll make them look rude or difficult.
Here’s the reality: Clear boundaries are the most professional thing you can do.
You don’t need to yell. You don’t need to cry. You don’t need to apologize. You just need to be direct.
Example scripts for handling toxic colleagues:
- “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way.”
- “Let’s keep this conversation focused on the work.”
- “I’m not comfortable with that tone.”
- “I need you to stop interrupting me in meetings.”
- “That comment was inappropriate, and I’m asking you not to do it again.”
Practice these. Rehearse them. Say them calmly and firmly.
Boundaries work when you enforce them consistently. If you set a boundary and don’t hold it, you teach people they can violate it.
Step 6: Professional Confrontation — How to Do This Without Shaking
Confrontation feels terrifying because your nervous system goes into fight, flight, or fawn mode.
But here’s the secret: Confrontation is just communication with clarity.
How to prepare for a confrontation with toxic colleagues:
- Regulate your nervous system first. Breathe. Ground yourself. You cannot think clearly when you’re activated.
- Write out what you want to say. Clarity on paper = clarity in conversation.
- Practice with someone you trust. Rehearse until it feels natural.
- Stay focused on behavior, not character. “When you interrupt me in meetings, it undermines my credibility” is better than “You’re a terrible person.”
Role-play scenario:
Toxic colleague: “Oh, I didn’t mean it that way. You’re being too sensitive.”
You: “I’m not interested in debating my feelings. I’m asking you to stop interrupting me. Can you do that?”
Stay calm. Stay firm. Don’t let them derail you with defensiveness or gaslighting.
Step 7: When to Involve HR (And How to Not Shoot Yourself in the Foot)
HR is not your therapist. HR is not your advocate. HR exists to protect the company.
That doesn’t mean HR is useless — it just means you need to approach them strategically.
How to frame concerns to HR:
❌ Don’t say: “This person is so mean and toxic and I can’t take it anymore.”
✅ Do say: “I’m experiencing a pattern of behavior that’s affecting my ability to do my job. I have documentation.”
Focus on:
- Behavior (what they did)
- Impact (how it affected the work or team)
- Patterns (it’s happened multiple times)
What HR can do:
- Mediate a conversation
- Investigate the complaint
- Issue a warning or corrective action
What HR cannot do:
- Fire someone immediately
- Guarantee the person will change
- Take sides without evidence
Pro tip: Before going to HR, ask yourself: Do I have documentation? Do I have witnesses? Am I ready for the potential fallout?
Sometimes HR helps. Sometimes it makes things worse. Go in with your eyes open.
Step 8: When It’s Time to Walk Away — Not All Battles Are Worth Fighting
Here’s the hard truth: sometimes, the toxicity is bigger than you.
Sometimes the entire culture is broken. Sometimes leadership protects the toxic person. Sometimes the fight will cost you more than the job is worth.
Signs it’s time to walk away:
- The toxic behavior is coming from leadership
- HR has done nothing despite documentation
- Your mental or physical health is deteriorating
- You’ve set boundaries and nothing has changed
- The entire culture enables the toxicity
Walking away is not giving up. It’s choosing yourself.
I learned this the hard way.
My Story: The Boss Who Broke Me (And the Opportunity That Saved Me)
I had a boss who belittled me daily. Every decision I made was wrong. Every contribution I offered was dismissed. I started questioning my competence. I stopped sleeping. I cried in my car before walking into the office.
One day, my body said “enough.” I had a breakdown. I took a six-week stress leave. I went to therapy. I got clarity.
While I was on leave, a recruiter reached out on LinkedIn. A better opportunity. Higher pay. A healthier culture.
The lesson? Keep your LinkedIn updated. Opportunity finds the ready.
I walked away from that toxic job. I never looked back. And it was the best decision I ever made.
My Story: The Colleague with ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation
I worked with someone whose need for control created destruction. She had ADHD and emotional regulation issues, and when things didn’t go her way, she spiraled.
She manipulated situations. She turned people against each other. She created chaos and then played the victim.
One day, I confronted her. Calmly. Directly.
I said, “Your behavior is affecting the team, and I need it to stop.”
She cried. She deflected. She blamed me.
But here’s what I realized: She was not my responsibility. Her healing was not my job. Protecting my peace was.
I set boundaries. I documented everything. And I stopped engaging with her emotionally.
Eventually, she left. And the entire team breathed easier.
My Story: The Competitive Manager Who Complained About Me
I had a manager who saw me as a threat. She was insecure, projecting, and resentful of my competence.
One day, she confronted me in a meeting. In front of others. She listed grievances I’d never heard before.
I didn’t yell. I didn’t cry. I didn’t shrink.
I looked her in the eye and said, “I’m happy to discuss this privately, but I’m not doing this here.”
I walked out with my head high.
The lesson? No one gets to take your power unless you hand it over.
I didn’t give her mine.
The “Power” Lesson — You Get to Keep Your Power
Here’s the most important thing I want you to understand:
Your truth matters more than their projection.
Toxic colleagues will try to make you doubt yourself. They’ll gaslight you, undermine you, and make you question your reality.
But you get to decide whether you believe them.
You get to decide whether you shrink or stand tall.
You get to decide whether you fight, set boundaries, or walk away.
Power isn’t loud. Power is quiet certainty.
It’s knowing who you are and refusing to let someone else’s chaos define you.
Reclaim your power. Trust yourself again. And remember: you are not responsible for managing someone else’s dysfunction.
Closing: You’re Not Alone, You’re Not Crazy, and You CAN Get Out
If you’re reading this and feeling seen, validated, or less alone — good. That’s the point.
Toxic colleagues are everywhere. They exist in every industry, every company, every level. And they target good people — capable, empathetic, high-performing people who they see as threats.
You’re not imagining it. You’re not overreacting. And you’re not stuck.
There are ways through this — internally and externally. You can set boundaries. You can confront them. You can involve HR. Or you can walk away and find something better.
Sometimes the most powerful move is knowing when to leave.
Bullies don’t disappear when we grow up — but neither does your ability to stand up for yourself.
Choose yourself. Protect your peace. Reclaim your agency.
Connect with Me
If you found this helpful, let’s connect on LinkedIn. I write about career strategy, workplace dynamics, and the shit they forgot to teach you every week.
📞 Book a free 15-minute clarity call: If you’re navigating workplace toxicity and need help building a strategy — whether it’s confrontation, documentation, or an exit plan — let’s talk. https://calendly.com/rosey-singh-eunioa/free-strategy-call
